"I'm Going Home to Spatula." or "I Hate Spoons..."

I’m done with washing dishes. You read that correctly.

It is a bad investment.

Seriously.

I am on the fence regarding other items such as pots, pans, shot glasses. When it comes to plates, silverware, and glassware, it is a bad investment.

Do the math. I will keep it simple.

The Investment

Dinner Set (4 Sets): $60
Silverware (8 Sets): $80
Glassware 12 Sets): $20


The numbers above are conservative. Unless you are still on the free stuff given to you by your parents (not likely) or the stuff from college that you took from the cafeteria, you have made the investment.

It is also conservative to assume 10% loss each year. Really then, the investment is $160 plus $16 for a total of $176…


Better yet, let’s go in this direction…

It takes roughly 5 gallons of water to do the dishes. A conservative guess is that it costs $1 in gas to heat that water, plus $.50 for the water, to do the dishes each night.

My Solution

Disposable eatingware! Think about it!

Plates: $15.99/1200 or $.013
“Silverware”: $6.49/500 or $.013
“Glassware”: $24.49/1000 or $.025

A typical meal costs less than $.25 in materials… Waste Management charges $12/month, or $3/wk for garbage. Assume 12 meals a week, and this is $.25 per meal.

From above, it costs $1.50 just in heat and water (no soap) for a batch of cleaning. With my solution, $.25 in materials plus $.25 for disposal totals $.50 per meal. This is a savings of $1.00 each meal…

I haven’t even added the investment above that was made…

Brilliant!

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"I Never Met a Man Who Knew So Much About Nothing..."

Not much here today. I did take this test and scored a perfect score. How do you like these apples!

Don't forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"Why Are My Shoes a Topic of Conversation?"

So we are out at a birthday party for one of the guys in my inner-intermediate circle. For the sake of privacy, we will refer to this guy as “Kyle”. He really isn’t the important part of the story; I just figured that it will now give him a reason to check out this blog. See “Kyle” turned 27 or something. Actually he told me but I wasn’t paying attention. After all, if it isn’t about me, I don’t care.

So we are sitting up in the VIP section of a local bar/restaurant/brewery/whore-house. Actually, I made up that last part…

We are upstairs in the VIP location, looking down on the un-cool below. We had to share some of the upstairs space with a bachelorette party that was also happening at the same time… This item of information has no relevance to the story, other than the visual image that one has when they close their eyes and think of a bachelorette party, for a bachelorette.

Out of the blue one of the guys in our group (Shoe), starts bagging on my shoes. See, I am a Doc Marten’s guy. Jeans are Levi’s, shirts are Polo, and then the shoes. My most recent pair are classic yellow-stitched soles with a stylish buckle. Very cool. They look like this.

Shoe decides that these shoes look like something that were worn when the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock. In fact, “Argh, are you a witch?” was thrown out at me. Being in Holland at the time, I feared that the christian-police would come and drag me away as a heretic.

To help people out with cool, I will devote this post to explain “cool” or “not cool” footwear and styles.


Buckles. Cool.

Little time is spent tying shoelaces. If you have ever gone to the bar and walked into a Mens bathroom with the urine soaked floor and an untied shoelace. Ughh! Besides, getting in and out of shoes quickly is handy. Need I explain more? I think not.


Zippers. Uncool.

Really? I need to expound on this one? Zippers are ok on jackets, pants, and even after an angioplasty. On a pair of shoes? Really? Yeah what else, Velcro straps?


Velcro Straps. Uncool.

Stoke victims have the only excuse for anyone over the age of six to have Velcro on their shoes.


Tassles. Uncool.

On a loafer, yeah, right. “My name is Blaine.” Nothing says whack-job like tassles. On a coat, on your shoes, on your shirt? No matter.


Rivets. Cool.

Shoes riveted together look bad-ass. No need to add anymore.


Rhinestones. Uncool.

Crap that looks like jewelry does not look cool. These shoes will be at Goodwill in six months.


Black Leather. Cool.

Black shoes always look cool. Always. They even look cool with white socks. The one note is that you should always match your shoes with your belt.


Sandals. Uncool.

Sandals, or more accurately mandals, are never cool. Birkenstocks are an example of this. Name one cool person that wears these? Wearing these in public and not on the beach is well, you get the point.


Crocs. Cool.

These are not cool. These things jumped the shark 2 years ago. I know, because I was the first to wear these in west Michigan 6 years ago. I wear them and do not intend to be cool. I revel in the uncoolness of these. This uncoolness is actually cool. Crocs with a fake fur liner in them are not cool though. Croc “knockoffs are not cool.


Athletic Shoes. Uncool.

Athletic shoes worn anytime not performing athletics are uncool. No, ifs, ands, or buts. Really. You can rationalize all you want, but they are not cool. Mow the lawn? Sure. Check the mail? Knock yourself out! Jerry Seinfeld perpetrated this malfeasance. He was wrong. Criminally wrong.


Rubbers. Really?

Of course, I had to include these in the discussion. Any time that you can be protected is a good thing.


So there you are. An article outlining what is cool and uncool in the footwear. I have provided you my reader a very valuable primer on what is cool. You choose to ignore me at your own peril.

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"She Doesn't Deserve a Baby Shower. She Deserves a Baby Monsoon…"

• So perhaps you readers have heard/seen or are living the story about the dispatcher that talked a couple through a delivery of a baby at home. If not, the story is here. I am not the sort of person to judge others; however, I cannot pass this opportunity to write about it. As I sat thinking about what to write, I drew a blank…
  
  Nothing!
  
  I got nothin’!
  
  I have received some flak for not writing more frequently, and yet no one is willing to post any comments (and make it public record; chickens), so my laziness has taken me in a different direction.
  
  I have a guest contributor to today’s post in the form of Mrs. Despeedstra (not my mother) who will provide information in the well liked question and answer format. These questions will be using the internationally recognized “bullet point” format.
  
  A doctor wearing a white lab coat holding a clipboard was my original plan; however none would take my calls. I instead settled for Mrs. Despeedstra (not my mother), who is knowledgeable in the field of pregnancy.
  
  When necessary, I have edited the content of the question and answer segment. The interview is captured below:
  
  
  ·
• Have you ever been pregnant?
  A. I’m pretty sure…… ugh….. whooaaa…. I’m holding a six year old. OMG!!!!!
  ·
• Did you know you were pregnant?
  A. Not for the first five minutes or so.
  ·
• Did you tell Rico?
  A. He was there when it happened.
  ·
• Would the significant weight gain suggest that you were pregnant?
  A. Not always. Rico is a good cook. Perhaps the Funyuns and the Mountain Dew would mask her weight gain.
  ·
• Would the kicking from the inside of the abdomen (as opposed to external) be a clue that
  you were pregnant?
  A. She could have attributed it to a feisty tapeworm.
  ·
• Remembering that we live in the USA and not a Muslim country; Would you expect your spouse, boyfriend, care provider, drug dealer, or pimp to visually guess that you were pregnant?
  A. No. But read the quote below. I would have killed anyone who asked.
  "You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment." ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"
  ·
• What are the odds that the dispatcher new the address, and for that matter, the people involved?
  A. Fairly likely…..I’m sure there have been 911 calls before from these folks.
  ·
• Can you think of a scenario that it would be better to not tell your spouse, boyfriend, care provider, drug dealer, or pimp that you were pregnant?
  A. Yes, if they were ALL potential fathers of the baby.
  ·
• This is not the couples first pregnancy, does this surprise you?
  A. No. These people are breeding like crazy.
  ·
• Would this be a likely scenario that the names Dakota and Braylee will be on the "Baby Names" list?
  A. Nope. Those are names of kids whose mom delivers a baby in her Grand Am, or at Sam’s Club. Not in a double-wide. No, this is a Destiny or Dylan.
  ·
• Would you expect the post-birth baby shower to be registered at Wal-Mart?
  A. Of course…..friends and family can then use their employee discount when buying gifts.
  
  So there you have it. An in-depth question and answer interview with a foremost expert in pregnancy.
  
  Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.
  
  Rico

"I Miss the Days When They Made Toys That Could Kill a Kid."

We celebrated a birthday in the Despeedstra household this past week. The littlest Despeedstra is suddenly six years old.

Quite the event.

There was more planning and coordinating by the Despeedstra children than what NASA performs for a shuttle launch. I expected to see Gantt Charts and Open Issues lists…

These are my children!

It is funny how kids that can be smashing each others skulls one minute, are working “clandestinely” the next, trying to wrap gifts, and prepare for the unwrapping in a manner not seen since this. I guess this is one of those immutable laws whereby teamwork will be fostered with the knowledge that cake and ice cream will be the reward… Perhaps the Arabs and Israeli could learn from this!

The funniest part though was the bubbly excitement of the two older ones as they worked on wrapping the gifts. Small plastic crap can be entertainment for little kids as the wrapping paper starts to roll out! Half a roll of tape is a relatively small investment in the satisfaction of “mummying” the gifts in a mountain of paper.

Funnier still, is the process of unwrapping. With each gift the kids inch closer to her unwrapping. They scoot closer and closer until finally the mere act of sliding her finger under the tape to break a seam free effectively smacks one of the spectators in the face. The request to “move back, give her room” is followed with an imperceptible scoot backwards (microns)…

The hour’s work to wrap is destroyed in 2 minutes, yet there are no complaints by anyone.

Anyway… I’m tired off this post…

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"If Every Instinct You Have is Wrong, Then the Opposite Would Have to be Right."

Stupid people. They are everywhere! I cannot hide from them, nor can I get away from them.

So I am out shopping with the Despeedstra children Sunday, and encountered more stupid people… You might think that shopping is what I do when I am not running… You’d be wrong.

Generally, there are a few guidelines to help you pick the correct lane. Blood pressure is affected (there it is again!) by your choice. In fact the AMA lists this as one of the culprits’ right there with high-sodium diets and home repair with your spouse. You can look it up. Well, do that later, let me finish the story…

Rule #1 Choose the lane with a guy shopping. This is the single most important rule. The only exception is if he has that glazed over clueless look. You know what I mean. You see, a guy normally knows what he wants, and is anxious to get the hell out of there. He does not want any grief; he wants to get back in front of the TV, under the car, or at his buddy’s house. The loaf of bread could be scanned at $40 and he won't flinch; he just wants to move on out… He isn’t looking at the Redbook cover that promises to “Lose your belly without exercise” or Glamour’s “What is your Man really Saying”… He sneaks a look at Jennifer Aniston’s cleavage, and then moves on. If he is buying feminine products, it is even better. He will just simply hand the cashier his wallet and leave. “Don’t know, don’t care. Take it all”…

Rule #2 Never get behind old people. This rule is left to a wide view of that description. I re-wrote the rule several times, but I think that you know what I mean. You look at their carts and see a scant few items; how bad could this be? You will be tempted. Do not give in. The entire process will be glacial. Your bananas will ripen; your milk will turn into yogurt while you wait. No matter how fast the groceries are scanned, and bagged, all movement will be painfully slow.

Rule #3 Never get behind a woman with 2 or more kids. You will sooner wish to lick a bottle return station than do this. She will carry on a conversation with the kids without moving a single item from cart to conveyor. She will sooner ignore the cart to read what is in the aisle (see Rule #1- flatter stomach); of course she will stop reading where it suggests that she would have to do crunches.

Rule #4 Never get behind the NASCAR family. This one is surprising. Normally, this would be a quick line. With all of the boxed & pre-fabbed foods, this line should move quite quickly. The volume would scare you, however a good cashier will recognize that 6 boxes of Hamburger Helper can be scanned once X 6… This stuff moves fast. Additionally, the cart will be devoid of any fresh fruits or vegetables, and we know that these have to be weighed individually, and that takes time… Mountain Dew scans rather quickly!

The slow down occurs though when all has been scanned, and the shopper then asks for 3 cartons of “Basic’s”. You see, these have to be collected from the courtesy desk. The clerk will send the bagger to the desk to grab these and bring them back. Usually, this is a two-trip activity, as the customer will prefer the “hard pack” variety and the bagger will be forced to return and trade and return again (boy I personally just got dizzy typing that one!). Not sure but maybe these people plan to go spelunking after they leave (why so adamant regarding the hard pack).

Rule #5 ALWAYS get behind the lady that is in workout clothes (and looks like she actually was working out). She will be in a hurry to get the hell out of there (See #1 above). There will be no browsing the “Crap Rack” (also known as the Rag Rack), no staring off into space. She will be prepared with money in hand “Soup-Nazi style”; She would be mortified if anyone saw her…

So these are the non-negotiable rules for grocery shopping. Understanding these will save you countless hours over your shopping lifespan to perform other mundane activities.

So we are shopping and misread the checkout lane selection. I am normally skilled at observing a checkout lane to determine which is the one that will move most quickly, encounter fewer stupid people, and the best looking checkout talent. You see D&W hires cute girls… That is all I can add, without this site registering on a “watch list” if you know what I mean…

Anyway, we get stuck behind this lady with 2 small children and before I can correct myself, another shopper gets in line behind us. I am boxed in! The lady in front of us is a moron. She had no plan on how she was going to unload her loot on the conveyor! No plan! She starts grabbing the paper napkins, then the gallons of milk, then the eggs, then the flowers. Yes flowers. Then there were glass jars of spaghetti sauce, and then crap from the deli, in those see-thru poly containers that always leak when they are tipped over.

She then has the nerve to tell the bagger to “be careful, so that those items don’t break”… Stupid people.

Anyone well schooled in grocery bagging knows that it most appreciated when shoppers place the heavy objects on the conveyor first. Things such as milk gallons, large boxes/containers of laundry detergent, racks of lamb, dog food etc. should be placed on the conveyor followed by bulky/symmetric items such as cereal boxes, 128 count bulk toilet paper, and the like.

Next should be the fruits/vegetables and meats. Meats of course should be packed by themselves. They tend to not be very friendly with other groceries, anti-social as they are.

Last should be the chips, bread, eggs, and other fragile items that will get smashed anyway when the kids help bring in the groceries from the van. The positive being that you will know immediately where they are!

I think I am going to start a consulting company to help educate people of these things. Or make my site a “pay per view”. There should be signs with these instructions at every aisle.

Meanwhile her kids are standing there with stupid looks on their collective faces, as they watch the conveyor fill up; unwilling to offer any help to the bagger. Of course they don’t know any better, as Mrs. Vander Stupid is standing there watching the groceries travel on the conveyor. I don’t know if she has never seen one of these new fangled devices, or if she was mesmerized by the cyclic nature of the conveyor belt. She was unwilling or incapable of helping the bagger as they were literally buried by a mountain of Lunchables…

The kicker is when the last item has been scanned and the cashier announces:

“The total is $198.67…”

Actually I cannot recall the exact amount it really is immaterial…

It was precisely at this moment (not a pico-second sooner) that the shopper then fumbled with her purse to look for and pull out her checkbook. After what seemed to be fifteen minutes, she composes herself and then asks:

“Who do I make the check out to?”

Really.

Stupid people.

I understand that D&W is owned by Spartan Foods, but everything, and I mean everything is labeled with the D&W logo. The bags, the receipt, hell, the logo on the cashier’s shirt all said D&W.

Stupid people.

Not that it matters much, but the Despeedstra children actually enjoy bagging the groceries at the end of the line… It is quite funny to see them as they try to keep up with the conveyor and help the bagger at the end of the line… This though, doesn’t really fit with this post…

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"So, You Were the Fastest Kid in School."

Yea I was fast! I owned the first 50 feet of Saturday's Town Crier 10k. I was moving with a fluidness in stride that was almost effortless. I in fact later heard someone say that it was Michael Johnson like... Not this guy.

I'm not making this up!!I had been training for this race like I had never trained. I was putting in 120 mile weeks, I had been hitting the gym doing core work, I was even eating raw eggs like Rocky!

I exploded into the lead; a burst that surprised everyone. I was already writing the headline in Michigan Runner. I began writing in my mind this blog entry. Should I blow kisses to the crowd at the finish? Should I cross the line with my near robotic mannerism and just offer a half wave? Should I blow a snot rocket? These thoughts filled my mind as I looked around.

I began to rethink my race strategy... None of the other runners were going with me... They were all hanging back letting me do all the work. This is a 10k, I certainly didn't want to peek too soon. I decided to change my strategy on the fly. I eased up a bit and the first runner passed me. I could see a renewed focus and a sudden increase in confidence this guy had... He realized that "yea, he could hang with Rico..."

I guess I gave him hope. I guess I was giving the others in the lead pack hope as well. One by one guys that I had already debacled through the initial phase of the race, were pulling up along side me. I realized that I had made a tactical error. My old coach's voice was in my head.

"Never give the other guy hope..." was all I could remember (later I remembered that he also said "maybe you should try a different sport") him saying... I could see each of these guys dig a little deeper, knowing that they had reeled me back in...

This doesn't really have a happy ending... Not one of those... Anyway, I ran a little bit too much like Michael Johnson as it turned out...

On a brighter note my 5k time was finally fast. Check out the results below:

http://results.active.com/pages/searchform.jsp?rsID=76551

You could say that I was step for step with Smitty... One of my best races, as I was right there with him; yet he never saw me...

Don't forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"We're Like Rats in Some Experiment."

One of my loyal readers has sent me some material that i just had to post. I am lazy today and will instead post it rather than actually write. A Classic Niner supports inguinuity!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/7226968.stm
http://www.impactlab.com/2009/02/26/power-all-your-own-gadgets/

Don't forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"C'mon, There Will be People to Mock."

I normally don’t pay attention to other people… Most people either annoy me or bore me… Typically people are idiots… I am convinced that the only reason man has moved up on the food chain is only because of opposable thumbs… Dumb people with opposable thumbs will often times succeed versus other forms of animal… Especially as they reap the benefits produced by us few smart people… Stone tools, Metal tools, science, etc, etc. I’ll let that sink in… It is not that they are smarter than other “lower forms” as much as technology has given them an advantage.


I usually go shopping on Sundays with the three Despeedstra children while Mrs. Despeedstra (not my mother) has some time to herself. This is often times her chance to go for a long run. Some think that this is a kind gesture that I take the kids. On the contrary. It is an excellent time to co-mingle with blog material. People to mock.

I have always enjoyed taking the kids to the store (as it had started at a very young age) and seek the opportunity for them to experience different foods, meet store people, and of course strap on the feedbag over in the deli section with free food. They enjoy it, and it has become routine. Early on, the Despeedstra children learned that there will be no grabbing stuff and putting it in the cart. They learned that there are other shoppers, and that they must not obstruct others in the aisles. The 3rd rule of the holy trinity of rules is that there will be no “scenes pulled” while shopping.

So I am at the grocery store with the Despeedstra children the other day, and I see a mother with her small child in store. I am ok with children… I have three of my own… I’m not a collector or anything, but I can usually find the positive in them… The child is small enough to be in the shopping cart; so I am guessing that maybe he is about 2 to 4 years old.

She is situated in the cereal/breakfast food aisle, positioned in a manner to block all cart traffic. I immediately jump to the conclusion that this is a checkpoint for drunken shoppers or perhaps coupon wielding buyers… Shrewdly, I begin to straighten out my cart just as I made the turn, figuring that I will simply go to the next aisle and circle back around…

Before I can move on, I happen to capture an exchange between the parent and the child. The child wants some brand of cereal that clearly the mother does not want. I suspect it is one on these… I have no problem with the child wanting this per se. What transpired is what I am writing about… The child proceeds to climb out of the cart, and pull down from the shelf this brand of cereal. He then puts it back in the cart. I presume that he had placed it in the cart in the first place, although when I showed up, I only saw said mother returning the box to the shelf.

At this point, I sent (released actually) my kids to begin grazing in the deli/bakery area as I didn’t want to create a spectacle. I began to look at the different oatmeal choices available to me at the end of the aisle. Of course I couldn’t help but witness what happens next.

The mother again, returns the box of cereal to the shelf, this time reminding Johnny (or maybe Dakota) or whatever his name was that she was not going to get this brand of cereal. Much to my surprise, the kid grabs the box from the shelf again and slams it in the cart, this time defiantly stating “I want this cereal!” As the mother attempts to return the box yet again, to the shelf, the kid starts grabbing the box trying to place it in the cart. Predictably, a tug of war ensues. When the mother starts winning the tug of war, the child begins to punch (slam) the mother in the thighs trying to impede the inevitable return of the box.

I hit my surprise threshold, when the mother then began to negotiate with this kid. We are talking full-on bargaining…

Kid: “I want a fueled helicopter, $1 million un-marked, food, and no funny business”

Mother: “A two passenger or 4 passenger model? What denominations?”

Kid: “Stay back, I mean it. I will pull this trigger!”

Mother: “OK. OK. I will throw in some Jimmy John’s. Let’s not do something rash here!”


Ok, I made up that exchange… But seriously… She was negotiating with him… In my day, this action would have been met with swift and decisive action… Negotiating… Really. By the way, yes I realize that you should not start a sentence with but...

Not much lately on the running part of the blog… Not a whole lot to write about… I think with more races coming up, it is time to shift my training a bit… Longer distance races coming up… I think to mix things up, every other day I will run left, right, left, right, instead of right, left, right, left… I’ll let you all know how this works for me…

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

“I Don't Know What to Believe! You're Eatin' Onions, You're Spottin' Dimes, I Don't Know What the Hell's Goin' On!”

So we are out running on Saturday morning, on our long run… One of the guys in the group is ill. See he has an 11.75 month old and he alleges that he is now sick because his child coughed on him, or because he had to change his diaper… One or the other, or something like that… So anyway, Smitty the guy in question, is on medication for his illness, but still decided to run with us… Relax the illness is a cold or the flu or something... Unless it is hayfever. In which case, doctors have found a remedy that does not require medication. I'm just saying.

Three of the guys take off and are maybe 50 feet ahead of Smitty, some other guy and me. Two of the guys are wearing compression shorts (bike shorts) and the other is wearing tights… Nothing like pale white runner’s legs the first weekend of April… Oddly, this detail is actually part of the story!

We are maybe 4.5 miles into this 13 mile run, and Smitty is laboring. Actually, that is kind off a stupid detail. We are running, of course we are laboring! So we are moving along and Smitty looks ahead and observes:

“Hey that lady ahead is walking two golden labs!” This while looking ahead at the three guys ahead of him… I guess you had to be there…

13 or so miles… A pretty good run that included hills by the lake… Oh yeah, we almost had a truck incident. Some nozzle was annoyed that he had to wait fifteen seconds before he could complete his turn... He squawked his tires, I yelled at him... The guys wanted to see a showdown... i would have debacled the guy...

Short post today!

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico

"Yeah, I'm a Great Quitter. It's One of the Few Things I Do Well. I Come From a Long Line of Quitters. My Father Was a Quitter; My Grandfather Was a Q

Audience out there, are these posts worth reading? Should I continue? Are there any recommendations for changing the format? Suggestions are welcome… Another busy work week ahead of me.
Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico