So I am out shopping with the Despeedstra children Sunday, and encountered more stupid people… You might think that shopping is what I do when I am not running… You’d be wrong.
Generally, there are a few guidelines to help you pick the correct lane. Blood pressure is affected (there it is again!) by your choice. In fact the AMA lists this as one of the culprits’ right there with high-sodium diets and home repair with your spouse. You can look it up. Well, do that later, let me finish the story…
Rule #1 Choose the lane with a guy shopping. This is the single most important rule. The only exception is if he has that glazed over clueless look. You know what I mean. You see, a guy normally knows what he wants, and is anxious to get the hell out of there. He does not want any grief; he wants to get back in front of the TV, under the car, or at his buddy’s house. The loaf of bread could be scanned at $40 and he won't flinch; he just wants to move on out… He isn’t looking at the Redbook cover that promises to “Lose your belly without exercise” or Glamour’s “What is your Man really Saying”… He sneaks a look at Jennifer Aniston’s cleavage, and then moves on. If he is buying feminine products, it is even better. He will just simply hand the cashier his wallet and leave. “Don’t know, don’t care. Take it all”…
Rule #2 Never get behind old people. This rule is left to a wide view of that description. I re-wrote the rule several times, but I think that you know what I mean. You look at their carts and see a scant few items; how bad could this be? You will be tempted. Do not give in. The entire process will be glacial. Your bananas will ripen; your milk will turn into yogurt while you wait. No matter how fast the groceries are scanned, and bagged, all movement will be painfully slow.
Rule #3 Never get behind a woman with 2 or more kids. You will sooner wish to lick a bottle return station than do this. She will carry on a conversation with the kids without moving a single item from cart to conveyor. She will sooner ignore the cart to read what is in the aisle (see Rule #1- flatter stomach); of course she will stop reading where it suggests that she would have to do crunches.
Rule #4 Never get behind the NASCAR family. This one is surprising. Normally, this would be a quick line. With all of the boxed & pre-fabbed foods, this line should move quite quickly. The volume would scare you, however a good cashier will recognize that 6 boxes of Hamburger Helper can be scanned once X 6… This stuff moves fast. Additionally, the cart will be devoid of any fresh fruits or vegetables, and we know that these have to be weighed individually, and that takes time… Mountain Dew scans rather quickly!
The slow down occurs though when all has been scanned, and the shopper then asks for 3 cartons of “Basic’s”. You see, these have to be collected from the courtesy desk. The clerk will send the bagger to the desk to grab these and bring them back. Usually, this is a two-trip activity, as the customer will prefer the “hard pack” variety and the bagger will be forced to return and trade and return again (boy I personally just got dizzy typing that one!). Not sure but maybe these people plan to go spelunking after they leave (why so adamant regarding the hard pack).
Rule #5 ALWAYS get behind the lady that is in workout clothes (and looks like she actually was working out). She will be in a hurry to get the hell out of there (See #1 above). There will be no browsing the “Crap Rack” (also known as the Rag Rack), no staring off into space. She will be prepared with money in hand “Soup-Nazi style”; She would be mortified if anyone saw her…
So these are the non-negotiable rules for grocery shopping. Understanding these will save you countless hours over your shopping lifespan to perform other mundane activities.
So we are shopping and misread the checkout lane selection. I am normally skilled at observing a checkout lane to determine which is the one that will move most quickly, encounter fewer stupid people, and the best looking checkout talent. You see D&W hires cute girls… That is all I can add, without this site registering on a “watch list” if you know what I mean…
Anyway, we get stuck behind this lady with 2 small children and before I can correct myself, another shopper gets in line behind us. I am boxed in! The lady in front of us is a moron. She had no plan on how she was going to unload her loot on the conveyor! No plan! She starts grabbing the paper napkins, then the gallons of milk, then the eggs, then the flowers. Yes flowers. Then there were glass jars of spaghetti sauce, and then crap from the deli, in those see-thru poly containers that always leak when they are tipped over.
She then has the nerve to tell the bagger to “be careful, so that those items don’t break”… Stupid people.
Anyone well schooled in grocery bagging knows that it most appreciated when shoppers place the heavy objects on the conveyor first. Things such as milk gallons, large boxes/containers of laundry detergent, racks of lamb, dog food etc. should be placed on the conveyor followed by bulky/symmetric items such as cereal boxes, 128 count bulk toilet paper, and the like.
Next should be the fruits/vegetables and meats. Meats of course should be packed by themselves. They tend to not be very friendly with other groceries, anti-social as they are.
Last should be the chips, bread, eggs, and other fragile items that will get smashed anyway when the kids help bring in the groceries from the van. The positive being that you will know immediately where they are!
I think I am going to start a consulting company to help educate people of these things. Or make my site a “pay per view”. There should be signs with these instructions at every aisle.
Meanwhile her kids are standing there with stupid looks on their collective faces, as they watch the conveyor fill up; unwilling to offer any help to the bagger. Of course they don’t know any better, as Mrs. Vander Stupid is standing there watching the groceries travel on the conveyor. I don’t know if she has never seen one of these new fangled devices, or if she was mesmerized by the cyclic nature of the conveyor belt. She was unwilling or incapable of helping the bagger as they were literally buried by a mountain of Lunchables…
The kicker is when the last item has been scanned and the cashier announces:
“The total is $198.67…”
Actually I cannot recall the exact amount it really is immaterial…
It was precisely at this moment (not a pico-second sooner) that the shopper then fumbled with her purse to look for and pull out her checkbook. After what seemed to be fifteen minutes, she composes herself and then asks:
“Who do I make the check out to?”
Really.
Stupid people.
I understand that D&W is owned by Spartan Foods, but everything, and I mean everything is labeled with the D&W logo. The bags, the receipt, hell, the logo on the cashier’s shirt all said D&W.
Stupid people.
Not that it matters much, but the Despeedstra children actually enjoy bagging the groceries at the end of the line… It is quite funny to see them as they try to keep up with the conveyor and help the bagger at the end of the line… This though, doesn’t really fit with this post…
Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.
Rico
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