"Why Are My Shoes a Topic of Conversation?"

So we are out at a birthday party for one of the guys in my inner-intermediate circle. For the sake of privacy, we will refer to this guy as “Kyle”. He really isn’t the important part of the story; I just figured that it will now give him a reason to check out this blog. See “Kyle” turned 27 or something. Actually he told me but I wasn’t paying attention. After all, if it isn’t about me, I don’t care.

So we are sitting up in the VIP section of a local bar/restaurant/brewery/whore-house. Actually, I made up that last part…

We are upstairs in the VIP location, looking down on the un-cool below. We had to share some of the upstairs space with a bachelorette party that was also happening at the same time… This item of information has no relevance to the story, other than the visual image that one has when they close their eyes and think of a bachelorette party, for a bachelorette.

Out of the blue one of the guys in our group (Shoe), starts bagging on my shoes. See, I am a Doc Marten’s guy. Jeans are Levi’s, shirts are Polo, and then the shoes. My most recent pair are classic yellow-stitched soles with a stylish buckle. Very cool. They look like this.

Shoe decides that these shoes look like something that were worn when the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock. In fact, “Argh, are you a witch?” was thrown out at me. Being in Holland at the time, I feared that the christian-police would come and drag me away as a heretic.

To help people out with cool, I will devote this post to explain “cool” or “not cool” footwear and styles.


Buckles. Cool.

Little time is spent tying shoelaces. If you have ever gone to the bar and walked into a Mens bathroom with the urine soaked floor and an untied shoelace. Ughh! Besides, getting in and out of shoes quickly is handy. Need I explain more? I think not.


Zippers. Uncool.

Really? I need to expound on this one? Zippers are ok on jackets, pants, and even after an angioplasty. On a pair of shoes? Really? Yeah what else, Velcro straps?


Velcro Straps. Uncool.

Stoke victims have the only excuse for anyone over the age of six to have Velcro on their shoes.


Tassles. Uncool.

On a loafer, yeah, right. “My name is Blaine.” Nothing says whack-job like tassles. On a coat, on your shoes, on your shirt? No matter.


Rivets. Cool.

Shoes riveted together look bad-ass. No need to add anymore.


Rhinestones. Uncool.

Crap that looks like jewelry does not look cool. These shoes will be at Goodwill in six months.


Black Leather. Cool.

Black shoes always look cool. Always. They even look cool with white socks. The one note is that you should always match your shoes with your belt.


Sandals. Uncool.

Sandals, or more accurately mandals, are never cool. Birkenstocks are an example of this. Name one cool person that wears these? Wearing these in public and not on the beach is well, you get the point.


Crocs. Cool.

These are not cool. These things jumped the shark 2 years ago. I know, because I was the first to wear these in west Michigan 6 years ago. I wear them and do not intend to be cool. I revel in the uncoolness of these. This uncoolness is actually cool. Crocs with a fake fur liner in them are not cool though. Croc “knockoffs are not cool.


Athletic Shoes. Uncool.

Athletic shoes worn anytime not performing athletics are uncool. No, ifs, ands, or buts. Really. You can rationalize all you want, but they are not cool. Mow the lawn? Sure. Check the mail? Knock yourself out! Jerry Seinfeld perpetrated this malfeasance. He was wrong. Criminally wrong.


Rubbers. Really?

Of course, I had to include these in the discussion. Any time that you can be protected is a good thing.


So there you are. An article outlining what is cool and uncool in the footwear. I have provided you my reader a very valuable primer on what is cool. You choose to ignore me at your own peril.

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico