...It's not You it's Me...

So the 2009 race season unofficially officially starts in a couple weeks with the Irish Jig 5K...



Ugh...



God, I hate 5K's (I do realize that in true Mr. Science manner, it should be a lower case k... Approximately $50,000 for my Physics degree taught me that. Zing!)!



The basis for the race is to find the nearest car door and slam your hand in it repeatedly... As you lose feeling, you slam the door faster and faster until... Well really you start out fast and proceed to run faster... I of course get my money's worth (Businessmen would say to lower overhead per unit measure) by my own method... I cannot alter the overhead (entry fee); so I manipulate the unit measure (official race time)... Excellent...



It really is a stupid race... It is invariably cold... That numb nose and cough for "the rest of the day cold", is outdone only by the running nose (something has to run fast. Get it?) and phlegm... Mmm.



Typical years have me training with that group of guys that I have mentioned in previous posts (the ones that are fast, but not tOSU fast ones), all winter. They know I can't stand (or run) 5K's but will offer the necessary positive mojo that teammates should/do offer. They tell me that "you have been training, you'll be fine"... Yeah whatever. So I enter the season working hard on visualizing success, and convincing myself that I can run this race and that the discomfort, hell the pain, is OK...



I have finally figured out what happens... The problem is not the race; It's the people watching it! I swear there is a little kid just past the 1st mile marker split, that doesn't like me... He probably knows that I can't stand scUM... The little bastard has a pellet gun that he shoots at my legs as I run by... I never actually see him, but I think it's a little kid because he knows that if caught, no rational person would confront him. After all he's a cute little kid in East Grand Rapids...



I know this as fact because I will typically go through that first mile ahead of "goal race pace". I will look at my first split and feel good. "I knew I could run this race! It just takes self confidence. Gosh darn it people really like me" Strike that last comment, that's for a different entry. At this moment, I will do the "multiply by 3 and add 30 seconds (all without my HP with RPN calculator, for you sciencey readers) to figure out my pace... "Damn. I'm goin' sub 16 minutes!!!", I think. That is when "Little Johnny Lacrosse" strikes! If I catch him I will confront him... If you are out there reading this consider yourself warned... I will Mcguffie you!



My solution this year will be to start yelling out "there is no Santa Claus, or next year you will have to go to school at Godwin Heights..." as I approach that 1st mile... That is guaranteed to send that kid off crying to his mom... I'm just saying...



I'll be able to finish off the race without the leg wounds just fine... Of course I will set a PR... I expect that my heart will be beating so hard, coupled with my lungs pounding that they will arrive at the finish seconds ahead of the rest of my torso... I'm planning on attaching the timing chip to my singlet just in case... If this doesn't work, next year I'm going to staple the chip to a baseball and as I approach the last quarter mile I will merely throw the ball (with chip) towards the finish line, because we all know what a superior baseball talent I was, (at least I know) trust me!

Don't forget to thank the volunteers.



Rico