"Yada, Yada, Yada" or "Am I a Hipster-Doofus?"

So the team (this may be foreshadowing referring to the team non-possessive) is getting organized as the “official” race season begins. Team uniforms, individual race schedules, team race goals, yada, yada, yada… Racing is an individual sport… There’s no teamwork… Yeah I know that I’m supposed to act like I am happy for the other guys, but, yada, yada, yada… No seriously, I am genuinely happy for the guys when they do well at races… After all, there are perks to hanging out with good runners.

The primary benefit is that I get to grab more than my share of post race grub (all because I mention that I’m getting this for one of the guys)! I routinely fill my cupboards with extra bagels, Gatorade, and bananas… I go to races as part of my shopping spree; merely walking around post-race like some bag lady sans the bag… I never have to go shopping! The Dutch in my namesake rings out!

In all the years of this “elite by association” I have garnered a free towel at the River Bank Run; it is awesome to have! I have even been congratulated at races for having run fast, simply by hanging out with this group! I see the look of admiration from the spectators. I swear I’ve seen that “look” from some of the co-ed spectators. Truthfully, my race times are getting slower, due to me focusing more on looking at the crowd rather than on competing… I know this is why… If I can offer any advise to the fast guys (if they are reading), Chicks don’t dig fast guys, if you know what I mean… Not that! Jeez, this is a PG-13 site! Fast runners force the spectator to pay attention during the race… Blink and you miss them… Picture taking is tough as well…

Think about it… Most races start pretty early on a Saturday morning… Just what the non-runner will want to do… Get up early, Zombie-walk through a crowd of smelly people with that “runner smell”… You know what I’m talking about… And the above mentioned she (or in fake-named Tad’s case he) will get out early to check out the guys running… Now if you have gone through the effort to get out and look good, do you really want the whole “event” to pass by quickly?

Not a chance…

Seriously… I know the fast runners are self-absorbed, concerned with proper fueling and preparation… I’ve seen it first hand… They carefully attach their number on their singlets (for you non-runners, a singlet is a wife-beater that isn’t all stained with Mountain Dew and blood, like on “Cops”. Or at least there is no blood before the race…) with the precision of a cabinet-maker… You will literally see T-Squares and protractors used to position/center the number…
When it comes to fuel systems (yeah, it sounds like race car design), you see guys measuring out sport drink, endurance swill, placebo powder with pharmaceutical scales on the hood of their cars… I tend to swerve away from these guys for two reasons… Either there will be an explosion (think powder/grain silo mishaps), or some gun play… I half expect to see a cliched briefcase filled with cash, and a guy sticking his pinkie in his mouth to “test”…

I find most comical the ones that focus on weight… Someone at some point determined that less weight carried will allow you to run faster, longer… Makes some sense here… I would dig up some Physics equation for you, but as I am still paying student loans, I cannot share any equations until my tuition is paid off… For the non-running audience, road runners have two basic types of shoes… Training shoes, and racing flats.

Training Shoe
Now I know what you are thinking… One of you out there was visualizing if only for a picosecond (ps if you are scoring at home) a shoe that has little stabilizers, or training wheels if you will… The desired effect (hey! There it is!) of course, is to help you run without falling over (actually, that would be helpful)… Almost as though you have just learned how to run… Perhaps shoe manufacturers should design a shoe with broken glass and hypodermic needles embedded in the soles. Sort of training for what you’ll feel like later in the race… The shoe is ugly, and is too heavy to race in… You cannot race in this shoe. I believe that at larger, more prestigious races, race officials will pull you out and move you to the back of the pack because of this violation… I am keeping a close watch on this development!

Racing Flat
This engineering marvel consists of a strip of the Sham-Wow™ sonic-welded to some bubble wrap. The purpose is to provide the lightest footwear imagined. One small detail often overlooked, is that these people now have to look very closely were they run, constantly looking at the ground beneath them. Stepping on a piece of gum, or any sort of mud will now triple the weight of the shoe.

The race (no pun) is to continually make a shoe lighter and lighter… Next week I will be wearing my anti-matter shoes. Shoes so light they actually absorb weight… I think they’re German or something… Of course you don’t want to train in these shoes… God-forbid you might run fast on a training run… Sincerely, I worry that some poindexter is in the lab working on the next generation of race shoe and develops something without comprehensive product validation. My worst fear is that during a race, I will inadvertently spill Gatorade on said shoe and a horrific chemical reaction will take place (For you sciency people include exo- or endothermic after the horrific)…

Apparel
I will describe apparel in general; this was what I originally intended to write about… I have already touched on the “wife-beater” oops, I meant singlet… You must have “technical wear”… Loosely translated it means synthetic fiber gear. Even looser, it means polyester. Now, this isn’t your 70’s polyester, as I don’t think that you will burst into flames at the mere thought of a Bic lighter… Really, though, that’s what it is… We’re not talking Brady Bunch, with the paisley and brown with avocado… No, this is better! How do we know? Duh, it’s more expensive! How else would you know that it is better! I am convinced that Tippets (Greek Mythology reference here) would have survived if he had the right gear described above!

When I first started running, I swore I would never be the one with the coordinated outfit. You’ve seen them… Matching gear… Same manufacturer… Prefabbed appearance… Lunchables if you will (not in a freaky “Get in my Belly” sort of way)… If not for the human characteristics, they would look like a running store mannequin… I wouldn’t ever really say that they were stylish, but certainly forethought and planning went into their “look” (different kind of look than above)…

I am legendary in my lack of effort to coordinate. Pearl Izumi, Asics, Nike, Mizuno, it didn’t matter… Pit marks, tears, threadware, I’m good with… When I figure out how to do it, I’ll post a picture of me in “Golden Boy”… Here I am though now with the opportunity to race for the team. The team with a uniform. The team with a uniform that matches. I actually care about what it will look like, and of course how I look in it… Actually I made that last one up… I look good in anything… I meant how my teammates look…

There are more of them than I… Simple probability dictates that the odds of them being seen are greater than my being seen (more of that education!)… Statistically, they have a greater chance of wrecking people’s perception of me… All before I have a chance to open my mouth… I’m just saying.

I just have to make sure that Mrs. Despeedstra (not my mom) isn’t reading this (which is a highly likely possibility) blog. Indeed.

By the way I am still trying to get a good handle on this formatting thing. Bear with me as I figure out what font, spacing, text size etc. needs to be… Regarding content, screw you. Help write then you can complain. Or join as a follower and help get this on Google’s radar… After all, I know the Fed’s are watching this site, might as well get others too… I’m just saying.

Don’t forget to thank the volunteers.

Rico